It’s Ok When Our Kids Lose

A few weeks ago, Luke joined his first ever Strider Cup Race. He has only been practicing for a week prior to the race so it was no surprise when he ended up last for his age category.

And it wasn’t just that he was the last; he was so far behind that everybody had to wait for him finish a stretch before they could start the next lap!

Being competitive by nature, you would think that Luke would sulk for losing. But instead, he finished the race even though he knew he was already in last place. Not only that, he was smiling all the way too!

When he was recounting what had happened in the race, he told us how much fun it was! Instead of brooding over not winning, he told us how he was being silly during the race itself by calling out to his friend to “wait for him” as they raced! It was obvious that it didn’t matter to him that he lost. What’s important was he had a lot of fun.

You can just imagine how proud I was that day, right?

Allowing him to lose

Luke has always loved games. He’s very competitive by nature.

When Luke was younger, at around 2 or 3, I noticed that our helpers at home would always let him win whenever they played games. Of course, I knew they just didn’t want to upset him. But, I told them, in life, you don’t always win! So it was important to let Luke experience losing a couple of games!

The first few times that he lost, Luke, would cry his heart out. There were even some instances when he would throw game pieces in frustration after losing. But I considered these great opportunities for developing his character. I figured, it would be better for him to experience losing to us first, so that at least, we could help him process what had happened.

Teaching them to be gracious when they lose

We would teach Luke that the first thing he has to do the moment he loses is to congratulate the winner. At home, we do this by saying “congratulations” and shaking hands! At first, he would say “No congratulations to you!!!” as tears welled up in his eyes. (Oh, boy!)

But I’m happy to report that this doesn’t happen anymore! Of course, he’s not perfect and naturally, he sometimes still gets disappointed when he loses. But he has learned to congratulate the other player first… before asking for a rematch! Haha.

Encouraging Perseverance

There’s a short poem from the book “The Children’s Book of Virtues” that I love reading to Luke. It goes:

Tis’ a lesson you should heed,
Try, try again.

If at first you don’t succeed,
Try, try again.

Then your courage should appear,
For if you will persevere,
You will conquer, never fear,
Try, try again.

He has memorized this poem by heart and whenever he struggles at anything (whether it be with reading or understanding a hard concept,) I remind him of the words. I remind him that it’s okay if you don’t get it the first time or the second. Just keep trying! It’s good for his character.

Reminding him of what truly matters in the end

Hint: it’s not winning.

Winning is great. And don’t get me wrong; I believe we should celebrate achievements and that excellence should be highly prized. BUT it’s not everything. And I believe that as parents, we need to model this to our kids too.

When we try to one-up others just to get ahead, it’s showing kids that winning matters more. Instead, we should show them that there is more to life than winning. Helping someone who was hurt, encouraging a friend who’s down, being there for people; these things matter more.

Let’s all remember that there is a FAR more important race that we are running. Winning and getting acclaims on earth mean nothing. What we should aim for instead is hearing the voice of Jesus say in the end “My good and faithful servant…”

As it says in the Bible: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)